reflections

my past few days have been filled with inner reflections.  i have been asked about my feelings.  the very feelings that are so deep within, i can hardly reach them and pull them up to the surface.  feelings that will not be going away anytime soon.  a part of me is fearful that once they surface, they will never leave.  feelings that i am unsure if i am ready for.

these feelings come out as migraines and nausea.  they surface when i am standing in my kitchen, feeling claustrophobic and realize my ceilings must be 15 feet high.  they are suffocating.  even when i do not think i am stressed or thinking about the tumor, its there.  sitting there in the back of my mind.  keeping me company everywhere i go.

i have to understand my feelings to help lily and keep our family going. it starts with me. as a mother, i am at the core.  i need to be strong and i can not do that without letting them go.  it sounds so simple.  just let the feelings go and get on with it already. and i am trying.  i am not one to keep my feelings in.  and i truly do not want them wrapped up inside.  however, this is so overwhelming, i can't even reach it.  even trying,  i am only touching the tip of this thing.

so my focus has been on reaching inward, inside myself to see what i discover.  my feet have made there way back to a special place.  a place where i get clarity.  my yoga mat.  my one hour where i regain my focus.  i get into my flow and balance.  i cry and let it out.  its my place and its helping me.

it is refreshing to see my fellow yogis and yoganis.  to see tears in their eyes before mine start.  the warmth, true feelings.  stepping onto that mat, i am alone.  its just me and the mat.  all the others in the room disappear as i drift to where i need to be.  i am there being present and living in the now.  and that is what is really important, living in the present.