the past few days have been LONG and nerve racking to say the least.

on monday morning we were at the hospital by 8 am, there was a bit of a back up in procedures and poor little baby girl had to wait until noon before they started.  it would not have been a problem but she was starving, having been npo since 5am, and kept looking at me for some food.  i was fine until i had to hand her off.  it feels so unnatural to hand off your baby, knowing that she will be put to sleep and have surgery.  that was the hardest part of my day.  watching them take her away.  then i waited, waited, and waited.

it was wonderful to have her back in my arms when it was all done.  her port was placed with no problems, on the right side.  her MRI shows no changes in the tumor.  it is not growing, which is such a relief.  her bare test (hearing) came back completely normal.  she is one healthy little girl other then this tumor.

she did well through the night and i woke her in the morning to drive her back to the hospital for her first chemotherapy session.  i can't honestly say that i am in love with the chemo clinic.  i wish i had never walked into the place, but the nurses and doctors are so kind.  lily is greeted by name the moment we enter the door.  they are gentle with her (and me).  of course i questioned once again the absolute need for chemo.  i mean, the tumor has not grown, can't we just watch it some more.  of course the answer is....no, she needs treatment.  and as lily's doctor put it... its hard to put your head and your heart in the same place.  he is right, it is the hardest thing.  no one wants to harm her, we do need to treat it.

we walked back to the infusion area.  many of the families i am already starting to recognize.  there is another little girl, also nine months, being treated for a tumor on her liver.  and that little girl starts bouncing in her seat and smiling at the sight of lily.  future bff's?  play dates every tuesday at the clinic, maybe?

the infusion did not bother her in the least bit.  in fact, she fell fast asleep. i was able to place her in her car seat and let her rest.  she woke up when it was over, i fed her lunch, and we were off.  she was tired, but very much her happy self for much of the afternoon.  i have been giving her zofran (nausea medication) proactively. so, she has not been sick, just sleepy.

she is sleeping away right now.  i am hoping and praying that this is how it is for her.  no sickness, just in need of some good sleeps.

i would rather be playing with her and her brothers at the park instead of making visits to the clinic, but i do feel blessed that she is going through this now.  now while she is still a baby.  not missing out on school and other activities.  i see many toddlers and school aged children at the clinic.  how would you even start to explain this to a 2 year old?  how do you keep them still for a few hours while infusions are being done and all the testing.

i am glad we found this early.  i pray it works.

in her hospital gown, pre-everything

first treatment. january 24,2012