phoenix children's visit

as i go through my days, i have complaints and concerns about all kinds of things.  all the little everyday worries that seem big, until something big comes along and sweeps you away to a place you never thought possible.

yesterday lily turned 6 months.  we spent the morning at the park then off we went to her MRI appointment.  the hospital had the same feel as the children's museum.  and although i liked it, it is not where i want to spend my time.  lily did great with the MRI, no issues.

then the call came.  the call i never expected from the eye doctor.  her MRI shows that she has optic nerve gliomas.  a brain tumor on her optic nerve.  the news blind sighted me.  i knew there was a chance they would find something, but it was more of a rule out procedure.  my baby, my little baby.  a brain tumor?  he just kept talking, i am sure he knew i was just sitting on the other end of the phone line with tears in my eyes, a million things running through my mind, but still speechless.  

the neurologist called me.  introduced himself.  he reassured me i was in good hands.  he said he would schedule her for next week and we will find a solution to what is going on.  we will be going back to the 'pretty' hospital on tuesday and hopefully find out more.  

like any mom i feel like this is a bad dream, a mistake.  the wrong MRI?  not my baby, not mine.  apparently the neurologist must get this a lot.  he had only read the report, but assured me that about 5 neurologists had reviewed the MRI, they know what they are looking at.  he stated all of this without me even asking the questions.  

seeming to sense my despair,  i received a call from a mom at the church in my mom's group.  she was calling to see how everything was going with lily.  they had been praying for her.  i broke down completely.  just as completely as when i spoke to my mom and andy.  

can there be a dr. mc dreamy out there.  the whole greys anatomy team to sweep in and fix it.  this is one of those times where i want that to be reality. i have always wondered how mom's cope with this kind of thing.  how do they do it all?  and with smiles on their faces?  its one day at a time.  i never thought i would get the call that my baby has a brain tumor in the worst of all locations, but i did.  a day after her 6 month birthday.  i just pray for her, i love her with all my heart.  i want so much for her.  want her to experience life in its fullest.  

and i do not want my other children to feel the sadness i feel.  they are so sensitive to my every emotion.  i know she is 'their' lily.  nothing will ever change that, the love they have for her.  it is comforting to know that she has 3 brothers looking out for her.

please pray for lily grace... lets hope for a miracle.