today i have so much sadness dwelling deep down for my little girl. i don't know why, but for some reason i feel it most when i am around other children her age. she gravitates towards other one year olds, gets as close as she can, fascinated, and tries to kiss them. it is so sweet. i just sit watching her interact thinking, why, why, why all of this? what i would do to go back to early september and be a normal happy family.
not that we are not a normal happy family, but it has created a sadness in us all. she has been off for two weeks and today i got the phone call reminder of our appointment next week. i do not want to go back. just want to pretend its not real.
i know my the boys feel my sadness. they seem to know and feel everything. it. is. so. hard. hearing them ask if the doctors have fixed lily yet, hurts. i don't know that she can be fixed. she is lily. our lily. we all love her to no end. i just want a good life for her.
and we are so blessed. i am grateful for all the positive things surrounding us... her... its just hard.
hey listen...i think she always gravitated to me because there is no doubt in my heart that she will be fine and nothing less then amazing. i think she already is so amazing. sometimes when i hear you or mom talk about her, i hear the fear. she needs you to feel in your heart what i know to be true, she will be just fine and she is doing so great. she can be a wild little one, but deep down she loves the calm. go gently. i miss you both deeply.
ReplyDeleteLife is always a up and down, you are a strong mother, doing what is said to be best for Lilly and you have the strength to go to her treatments and all. I admire you, having tears in my eyes, being a Mom of two myself I can just imagine a tiny bit of your sadness and fear. I send white light across the Atlantic and I think it is OK the boys feel the sadness. It is a part of our life, sadness, happiness, fear, strength, love, fight and I am sure they know how to handle it. Anyway, they can read your inner feelings, no chance to try and hide it from them, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteI feel you heartbreak, sadness, endless worry and yet little Lily gives us so much joy every day. She is a beautiful child of God and is always in the palm of his hand, that is my belief and what gets me through the rough times in life. None of us know what our life's journey will present to us but we are never alone. It all is a reminder to enjoy the moment we are in. Lily is the light and joy in our days and there are so many prayers being said for her. We don't know what the future holds but know I am here for you, Lily and your family.
ReplyDeleteLove ya, Mom
Thinking of you. Sending prayers your way. Stay strong. X
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