boys will be boys

north pole visit

as always, they loved this little magical place.

the workshop

santas preview

lily sleeping through it all, like a little dolly

building their bears to be donated

this one loved the bear he created

the elf helping him write his santa letter

story time with mrs claus

all of us

snow times

these arizona boys love the snow...

... lily not so much.

our cozy neck of the woods

you can see where the largest fire in Arizona history took half of this mountain a few months back.

early morning with coffee in hand and moon still in the sky

holiday

thru the lens of my cell phone...

Yesterday

~yesterday i celebrated my 39th birthday

 ~there were lots of hugs and kisses

 ~yesterday, i learned my baby needs treatment for her tumor,

 ~yesterday, i felt sadness and joy in the same moment

 ~there were tears, more hugs and kisses

 ~ yesterday lily's top tooth popped through, three others are close behind,

 ~yesterday i hiked muddy trails with three little toe head boys and a baby girl snuggled close on my chest,

 ~we played with sticks, rocks, and snow. It was dirty, and messy, and we enjoyed every moment. we lost ourselves in our imaginary world together.

 ~yesterday,i listened to my 6 year old explain what a tumor is to his 4 and 2 year old brothers. It sounds so sweet through his words. 'lily has an extra muscle behind her eyes. The doctors are going to help her' 

~More tears, more hugs and kisses.

 ~yesterday, Landon played with glue for the first time. Together we pealed it from his tiny fingers 

~yesterday, we scheduled our appointment to meet with the oncology team. Next Friday, December 2 @ 9:15. again so many emotions all at the same time.

 ~yesterday two little boys rode bikes through the mountains. They begged me to watch them go 20 miles an hour through the woods. All because they can go that fast:).

 ~happy birthday was sung followed by pie, ice cream, and fresh strawberries ~and many, many hugs and kisses.

 ~ I tucked two little, giggling boys into a top bunk together,

 ~another little boy snuggled up close as he drifted asleep. A baby girl slept in my arms. A husband studied the night sky with his telescope, perhaps seeking answers,

 ~yesterday I enjoyed a much needed glass of wine with my soulmate and best friend,

 Today, I am thankful for it all. For every moment I have with those I love, both far and near. I am so very thankful for our experiences together. Happy Thanksgiving. Treasure all you have today, live in the present. Be present. Namaste.

my before

still no word on lily.  and you know me, i have been leaving my daily message.  maybe tomorrow?  hopefully something tomorrow, please.

and tomorrow we are leaving on a little holiday.  its become a family tradition.  each year we make a trip to the north pole, such a magical place.  enjoy it here.  my littles can hardly wait, neither can i.  in fact, i may be more excited then they are right now.

another bit of excitement, can't help it, i have to share.... here is my before.... can't wait to see my after when we return.

the truck

if i had to choose the best toy ever, this truck would be it.

thoughts and prayers

all your thoughts and prayers are warming my heart and calming my being. in the midst of all of this i feel an inner peace.  a hot cup of tea, yoga meditation, kind of calm.  i am at peace.

lily had her 2nd mri and pet scan done on thursday.  it was such a long day.  they took her from my arms at 1pm and called us into the recovery room at about 5:30.  they said she needed only a little bit of anesthesia and woke up as soon as it was turned off.  she woke up turning over and trying to crawl away. she was hungry, groggy, ready to nurse, but not fussy.   such a happy little girl, this one.

this morning i spoke to dr kaplan, the neurologist, on the phone.  he does calls on saturday's.  i told you he was old school, he would probably come over for a house call if i were really upset.

the results of the mri are consistent with the first... the tumor has not grown.  it appears to be sitting on top of the sheath, not invasive to the nerve.  he did not have the results of the pet scan quite yet, but wanted to give me a call so i would not be sitting around sick with worry all weekend.

if the pet scan shows that the tumor is metabolically active, we will have to be more aggressive with her treatment.  that would more then likely mean a biopsy and chemotherapy.  this is not the outcome i am hoping for.

if the pet scan shows the tumor is not active, then we will just monitor it with mri's every few months.  this is what i am hoping for.  she is so little, such a little bundle of love.

silly

silly, silly boys.

swings

hanging out with this little girl and hoping that all goes well tomorrow.

she looks at me, touches my face, all as if to tell me that its going to be alright.  she is an old soul and here to teach me something.

lead the way little one, you know i will follow.

rains

loving everything the desert rains leave behind.

a few clouds,

clean fresh air,

puddles,

nourished plants,

boy's who can't wait to play in it, with it, around it...